lou's birth story.
March 21. due date.
I had been looking forward to this day for 9 months, and it was finally here. I had everything all planned out.
I'm going to walk in the Dr. and they are finally going to get this 60 lb baby I've been so patiently waiting for, out of me. Right? Wrong.
"Go home, have sex, and if she isn't here in a few days, we will induce."
Awesome, because that's exactly what you want to hear when you are the size of a whale, and your feet literally feel like they are going to explode.
What I translated the above into was; call mom, eat thai, walk, and don't stop until I have a kid in my arms.
YES! mucous plug gone, contractions all day. Let's do the damn thing.
More thai, more walking. no baby.
Jon finally got home around 5:30 and I talk him into walking his whale of a wife up and down our neighborhood street. I stop at every 3rd mailbox to hold on through a contraction. I've totally got this, my all natural birth is going great. We make it inside and I labor some more in the bath. No big deal, the XX is playing in the background and my mind is in this for the long haul. I'm able to get some sleep for a couple hours. I wake up and I slide my swollen body off of the bed and finally give up on the super woman act.
I can't breathe through the contractions anymore, and something just doesn't feel right. You know, that intuition thing? It totally kicked in. It's about midnight now, Jon's laying comfortably in bed when I decide to tell him it's go time.
We wobble into the emergency room.
Yes, I would love to sign all of these papers as my vagina in being held hostage by a really mad human. Why did we "pre register" again?
I am certain that when I am admitted, the nurse will tell me that my cervix is the size of a bagel and its time to push. They give me the couture gown and check me.
"Alrighty, I'd say you're about 3-4 cm. dilated. Were you wanting to get an epidural?"
I'm sorry, WHAT?! You sure I wasn't positioned right? I can move my leg or something. I need you to look again.
"No, you're definitely around a 3."
Yep, I want that epidural.
Now if we could all pause for a moment and praise women who have had a natural birth, that'd be great. I don't want my medal anymore. Give me the meds, mamas done.
Prep for epidural: sit up on the bed and try and touch your toes, whilst squeezing the watermelon under your boobs.
Yeah, that position didn't work too well. As soon as I sat up and bent over, about 95 nurses came in to reenact my favorite Thursday night drama: Grey's Anatomy. They threw Jon into the corner of the room, threw me down on the bed with an oxygen mask and a needle stabbed into my wrist, and said to just breathe.
Breathe? What the hell is going on? I just wailed like a baby, because it all happened so fast. "The baby's heart rate is just a little lower than we like to see it" I'm not an idiot, if it was just a "little low" you wouldn't be prepping me for an emergency c-section lady. They flipped me around like I was a pretzel for about 5 minutes until Lou's heart rate went back up. Poor Jon was just in the corner scared out of his mind. When he was able to come to my side, the nurses explained that her heart rate dropped to 60bpm and was like that for close to 6 minutes. I totally get now why they had to attack me like that. And also very thankful.
Epidural is in. I am good as gold, and now we wait. and wait. and wait.
We waited till about 12:30 pm and I had only progressed to 7cm. I was exhausted. Over 24 hours of contractions and my cervix decided it wasn't going to get any bigger than a baseball. Awesome. My water hadn't even broken yet. They did that with what I'm pretty sure was a knitting tool. Still...nothing.
So, I am literally out of my mind. They come in to check me...once again, nothing. I succumb to the stubbornness and let them give me a little Pitocin. We watch the monitor and play the game "was that a big one?" for about an hour. I was getting really good at it when the nurse comes in to feel me up. My excitement and anxiety were on overdrive thinking she is going to tell me the Pitocin has worked, you can start pushing soon. Instead, her hand came out and she said "There seems to be some meconium".
And that was it. I totally lost it. I could be stressed out all day long, but now my baby, that I hadn't even met yet, was over this shit too. Book the c-section, get her out me. They said it would be a few hours until an OR would be ready, but we would have a baby by 4:30.
It only took about 10 more minutes when they realized that I had spiked a fever. There wouldn't be any waiting for the next OR now. My placenta had become infected from laboring for half a century. Shocker, right? Well when the life support for your baby is infected, they don't .f. around.
...and the award for sexiest mom-to-be goes to.....
Jon suited up and kissed me off. Yeah, they wouldn't let him in the operating room while they prepped to chop me open. super fun.
I was delusional. I was scared. I was alone. I made light of it as they spread my arms out on the table. I felt as if I was about to be nailed to the cross. I asked them to all pray over me, and then asked for them to bill me for the Brazilian I just received. I wasn't planning on the spa treatment when I walked through the doors that morning.
They finally let Jon in, and they got to work.
Sweet Emaline River in all her glory came screaming into the world at 3:23 pm. Full of shit. Literally. I cant wait to tell her that when she is older and starts lying to me. Nothing has changed since day one, baby girl.
I heard her beautiful cry in my fogginess and just wanted to see her, feel her, you know, be her mom. They brought her over for a few pictures, but were worried the infection had spread to her, so they took her.
3.23.16 9.3oz 3:23pm
our. entire. world.